The staff here at Beliefless World HQ has been embroiled in
an uncharacteristically heated debate. Normally, this group goes out of its way
to, you know, not believe in stuff. Other than the occasional spat about who
left the cereal bar a mess, or jammed up the coin slot on our original
table-top version of Ms Pac Man, it’s pretty mellow around here. Of course, our
indifference is feigned. How could our team organize a blog about that which, or in which, they do not believe? How can non-belief be a belief system? Well, it can’t you
see, and we are hypocrites. But, we have glasses with large frames, and we don’t
shave very often, so we pull it off. Some might call us hipsters, but that would
be almost too generous. We’re more like lazy geeks. Actual hipsters spend a lot
of money on those tight 40 year old jeans.
One of our lead writers, Kennon, suggested a follow-up column
about large corporate banks to the June 14 Bank of America post. Beliefless, repeating itself? We argued about this
for hours sitting under our airplane-propeller ceiling fan on our overstuffed
couch with taco bell wrappers in the cushions. The already problematic illusion
of belieflessness would certainly be shattered once and for all if we do a repeat column. If writing about stuff
makes one’s belieflessness dubious, then writing about the same topic twice
completely destroys the illusion. However,
according to fancy site-traffic statistics, the June 14 post entitled “Bank of
America is a Bag of Ass” has received zero page views. The readership may well
embody the essence of belieflessness better than our crack staff. But our
site-traffic guru, Sebestian, says that if a person opened up the blog and just
read straight down, they could read any or all of the posts even though only
the most recent post would get a hit. Two of our other writers, Piper and
Atticus, both agreed, and their glasses are pretty huge. So it is at least possible that some of our readers may
have had a glanced at the Bag of Ass post.
So on to the actual content, then.
Is there really any difference between large uber banks? Is
there a point to switching from Bank of America to Chase or Wells Fargo, or
vice versa? Is there any satisfaction to closing an account and taking your
money elsewhere? Hmm. Maybe. Probably not though.
So as you all read, maybe, my experience with BoA was just
awful. You always expect to get screwed by large companies, and it always makes
you feel like helpless crap, and it basically sucks, but you try not to think
about it and just have your day, whatever that brings. But when the
incompetence and hypocrisy reach a certain point, you just have to put on your
stinkiest bowling shirt and go take your money back. Which I did. And it did
feel good. What made me feel kind of bad, though, was that the person helping
me was nice. And she was competent. And I wanted to fuck her. But more to the
point, a lot of these large uber-companies are happy to let their employees
take the heat for the organizational largess and systemic shitiness caused by
the fact that they do not invest in doing what they say they will. Bank of
America has many slick commercials narrated by Keifer Sutherland but they
absolutely do not follow through on any of those promises. Marketing is
supposed to be about taking a company’s values and practices and using them to
promote the company. Nowadays, companies skip the values and practices and go
straight to invented marketing. That’s where your PR firm makes up values that
sound good, hires actors that are mildly white, asian and black to advertise in
different markets, and just unleashes a torrent of ads designed to create a ‘brand”.
I’m so tired of the word “brand” these days. Another column about that sometime
soon, I know, you can’t fucking wait! But the point is BoA paid Sutherland
untold millions and bought untold billions of TV ads to foist upon the
slavering idiot public an image of something that just plain does not exist. Having
used BoA branches all over the country, I can say from my own experience that
their employees are the least trained and their systems are the least
technologically advanced of any major bank. Various consumer data will also
tell you the same thing. I find it especially objectionable that the corporate
strategy is to hire good folk but not train them, and without proper investment
in the infrastructure necessary for them to be able to do their jobs. None of
the bullshit I endured was the fault of Lorena at my local BoA branch, but then
who should I yell at? Or, more correctly, at whom shall I yell? Well nobody, of
course, yelling is mean. The problem is that the ground-level people have to
bear the brunt of what the uber-corporation is too fucking cheap to address.
Why not just have an awesome, fair company that makes a tidy profit and has
happy employees? I know, I know, it’s called a credit union.
So after a long discussion and complicated paperwork, I got
a cashier’s check with all of the money that I own. I didn’t really know what I
hoped to accomplish by taking my whole financial existence to another bank. I
felt the strong pull of a credit union, because it just sounds so … fair and
just. But I really need a bank that has branches everywhere and online banking
and stuff, so unless I was willing to forgo that convenience, I was limited to
an uber bank. I looked up reviews on my phone, and they were all terrible.
CHASE, BoA, Wells Fargo, all have terrible reviews. And they were all more or
less interchangeable. This guy got screwed in this way, that girl got screwed
in this other way, it’s all the same. It’s a really powerless feeling to know
that all choices are bad choices. So I thought I would just visit several different
banks and give them a quick audition.
I walked into a Rabobank branch because they sponsor a
cycling team, and who doesn’t like doped up 150-lb dudes in skin-tight outfits dueling
it out in the French Alps? Those guys fuck each other. A lot. Just saying. But
Rabobank felt quite … European so I
thought I would go in and get some pamphletry. They were nice, but they only
have branches in California, and they don’t even have ATMs anywhere else, and
you can’t make deposits with the taking-a-picture-of-the-check thing, which is
useful to me. So I ruled out Rabobank and kept driving around.
Next I came to Wells Fargo, and my friends’ wife works for
them, and I also want to fuck her, so I figured I’d check it out. They live in
Phoenix, so no chance of running into her, but I had a vaguely positive vibe
with Wells-Fargo so I decided to check them out. I drove by one branch and it
gave me the heebie-jeebies. It was in a sketchy strip mall and had an armed
guard outside. Also the building looked like a fast-food restaurant. Most banks
are just in random buildings, but WF seems like they have a cookie-cutter
fake-old-fashioned building design that they use for most of their branches. It
felt like a bad, tiny theme park. So I blew it off and kept driving.
There was another WF branch near the mall that looked a lot
nicer, and it was not one of their pre-fabricated buildings. So I went inside.
And this is when I started to realize that huge banks, or any huge companies,
want their “brand” to be evident from the get-go. In the WF, this took the form
of a greeter. Like at Wal-Mart, only super fucking hot. Definitely wanted to
fuck her. Which is why she was there. Well not to fuck me, but for me to want
to fuck her. Guys are pretty simple. So this girl, Leticia, well her eyes widened
when I said I might be opening a new account. They must get extra vacation or a
bonus or some shit for opening new accounts. So she directed me to a personal
banker and I got the pamphlets from WF. Turns
out, not unlike BoA, they have weird complicated rules that you have to
transfer a certain amount from checking to savings each month to avoid fees.
The whole point of which is so that they can charge you fees. I don’t like
setups like that, so I bailed. On to CHASE.
The walk-in with CHASE is pretty different from WF or BoA. The
personal bankers’ desks are right there when you walk in, and they are obviously
coached to aggressively greet you. I never had so many people interested in my
having a great day. So I got in line and eventually was directed to a personal
banker. Oh, and one thing just randomly that I don’t like. I don’t like that when
you go up to a teller at BoA or CHASE the first thing you have to do is swipe
your ATM card and enter your PIN. The tellers, the actual people, are not
automated. Not yet. The ATM card, as the acronym indicates, is for the
automated machine. Not for the bank teller. When I walk up, I want to present
my identification and then do my banking. Not swipe my card. Just saying.
So my personal banker was Andrew, and although I did not
want to fuck him, he did cut a fine figure of a nice young man. Probably about
25, winning smile, tall, thin and tan. I was wearing a Paris-Roubaix tee-shirt,
and he knew that was a bike race. Points for Andrew. Right away it turned out
CHASE has some legitimately better deals for military veterans. No fees, better
services, and so forth. Side by side, most account offerings at uber banks are
ultimately about the same. They are packaged and marketed differently, but they’re
pretty much the same. In this case I was able to get some better stuff due to
my veteran status. Yes, I know that admitting I’m a veteran adds another layer
to the Beliefless dilemma.
It takes a while to set up a new account. The banker has to
talk to you and ask you stuff. Although I was disappointed that the super hot
asian chick at the next desk did not get assigned to me, Andrew was pretty
solid. He obviously had a strong sales background, but he wasn’t pushy. He knew
all of the CHASE policies, offerings, services cold. As conversation is
inevitable during account setup, it turned out we had some mutual acquaintances
around town. I came right out and told him I don’t much care for giant banks,
and he was sympathetic. He pretty much said yep, I hear you, CHASE isn’t
perfect but the military account is a lot better than what other places offer.
The real problem now is that, for the moment, I feel pretty
dang good about my choice. Andrew called this morning to let me know about a
couple of follow-ups I had asked about, and I don’t like talking to bankers,
but this was a good level of personal service. But not in a sexual way.
We’ll see how it plays out. This ain’t no kind of
endorsement for CHASE, of course. I’m sure they’re ultimately horrible.
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