Bank of America is a Bag of Ass

Today is a good day for the consumer. Or, it would be if this blog had a readership.  But that’s ok. I’m way ahead of my time, which is what one tells oneself when one wants to delude oneself with reassurances of relevance. By assuring myself with the promise of posthumous recognition and plaudits, I blithely ignore that I myself do not even believe in anything at all, right down to the title of this blog, so why would posthumous recognition even matter? Well it wouldn’t, I won’t get any. Whoops, I started out talking about oneself, and I’m already on to “myself” and “I”. Terrible writing. Way ahead of its time, one might realize.

But none of this changes that Bank of America is a huge bag of ass. Huge. I generally avoid singling out people or companies in this blog and try to stay a bit broader, but I know my reader will appreciate this. Because I am that reader. So this is basically a journal? Just wait till you die, Matt, people are going to celebrate you.

Ahem. Anyway, Fraud Protection. Yes, fraud protection. Or put another way, the bank covering its ass.

Bag of Ass is the worst offender, but fraud protection is just another example of the American Public being so infernally stupid that we will actually allow a large company to advertise as an awesome benefit that which totally screws us. Fraud protection.

You know, imagine any one of dozens of similar commercials. A middle-aged soccer-mom on a business trip, oh my goodniss, she left her wallet at the chain restaurant near exit 14! Holy fucking SHIT! Now what? Surely an unsavory character immediately used her credit card to buy a plane ticket to Paraguay and a 13 yr old Vietnamese prostitute. He furthermore went straight into the bank and drained all accounts. What will she do? How will she give that big presentation to the people in the tall building??

But here is Bank of America to save the day! Soccer mom, in a tight close-up revealing the fine tailoring of her pants suit, explains that her best good buddy, Bank of America, detected unusual activity, and now she won’t be charged one cent! That is so high-tech of BoA, to figure all of that out and shut down the account. And so noble, too, that she was not charged.

IT IS A FEDERAL LAW THAT A CONSUMER CANNOT BE HELD LIABLE FOR CHARGES IN THIS INSTANCE.

I have reverted to the crude tactic of capitalization for added emphasis, as one can plainly see above. If it seems overwrought or too obvious, wait 50 years. I’m tellin’ ya.

But this is very important. Banks cannot hold you liable for fraudulent charges. They just can’t. To run commercials advertising how awesome they are for not charging you is brilliant, but only when the audience is the American Public.

Now on to the more important part. Bank of America does not want to have to pay for that Vietnamese girl or the plane trip to Paraguay. Hence, their fraud detection system is heavily slanted toward rejecting charges that are seen as “unusual”. Preemptively declined. Bag of Ass obviously has a super-advanced system to determine patterns in your card use, and will therefore make the smart decision to turn down unusual charges preemptively.

No, they have no such system. Not even close. What they have instead is a strong desire not to pay for things that have even a remote possibility of being fraudulent.

Like the stove I bought at Lowes. After purchasing a home last year, I was spending about $1,000 a month at the local Lowe’s for a good 3 months. Then one day I needed to buy a $1,500 stove. Nope. Declined. Straight up declined. Card switched off, I gotta call the 800 number and push buttons all day to switch it back on. What a bag of ass. Their fraud protection is designed for one purpose: to save them from unnecessary expenditures that they cannot recover. If you haven’t heard, BofA is broke as shit, and getting broker.  Does their “fraud prevention” program take into account that I had purchased dozens of items from that exact Lowe’s store, including the day before? Does it have an algorithm that tells it “ok this guy bought a dishwasher, hot water heater, and a bunch of pots and pans. A stove makes sense”. No. It comes through declined, card shut off, game over. No stove, not today.

Or how about a vacation! Yay! Well don’t try using your ATM card in Las Vegas. Declined. Card shut off. No access to money. Call the 800 number and push buttons all day. You know, vacation. Bag of Ass told me in the future I should notify them I’m going on vacation. Got it. Hold the mail, get the neighbor kid to water the plants, call BoA. Huh? Their system did not take into account that I had purchased a plane ticket on the same card, and made a purchase in the airport. Nice job, BoA.

Now my favorite. Surgery. Who doesn’t like a little surgery? This particular procedure had a $1,200 co-pay. So yeah, declined. Sorry, Mr. Highly-Influential-50-Years-From-Now-Blogger, we will not be cutting into your body until you call your bank. Yup. Call the number. Press the buttons. Be advised, they said, next time, call us ahead of time. Got it. Vacation or surgery, call the bank. Never mind that I had numerous co-pay charges at the same hospital the two previous weeks.

So here it is. Fraud Protection is for the BANK, yo, not for you. Any protection it affords the customer is incidental to the bank covering its own broke ass. If they cared about the people whose money they invest, their fraud protection would actually have the ability to analyze recent transactions to determine the likelihood that something was fraudulent. But they have nothing of the kind. They decline first, ask questions never. You have to call them and press buttons. And they will tell you with glee that you are 100% covered for any fraudulent purchases. Thanks, federal law.

Ahead of my time, aw, shucks. Thanks guys.