11/2/13
I teach a lot of college music lessons. It’s what I mostly
do. Mostly, it’s what I do. It’s what I do, mostly. Meaning that I’m semi-employed,
and of the stuff I get paid for, most of it is teaching college music lessons. I
get paid by a lot of checks. From the State of California, from some kid’s dad,
from the San Francisco Symphony, from a Japanese girl in San Jose.
I don’t hear any complaints about the
depositing-checks-with-phone-pics apps. So I guess it must be working for
everyone. I have roughly an 80% failure rate with mine (CHASE). The camera flashes about 3 seconds before the pic snaps, and there are no camera settings in the
phone app and no way to change this.
So, I set the check on a dark background
and aim a flashlight at it leaving only one hand to hold the camera. Then I
form a pincer with my thumb and middle finger to hold the phone along a
horizontal plane directly above and parallel to the check, allowing me to press
the pic button with my index finger. Then I aim the flashlight with my left
hand in such a way as not to cause any bright spots on the check itself, but
rather to illuminate the whole area around the check as evenly as possible. I
am good at this. Using this technique I get an excellent shot, then flip the
check over to do the back and submit. Then 8/10 times it says there was an “error”
but no info on what the error was. Then I try again and again. If it finally
works, I cancel all of my lessons and have a beer.
When successful, the process
generates two emails indicating the deposit has been processed and accepted. At
this point I should shred the check, but I do not. I still fear a further error
of some kind and so I keep it sitting around, quickly forgetting whether or not
I attempted to deposit it. In passing it occurs to me I should put a post-it note on
the check that says “this one was accepted” and the date, but I do not. Then I
think about other things I should shred, and quickly gather them up. I shred
about two documents, and then remember that I have gross stuff in the trash,
and I could probably throw the rest of the documents out because they will get
soaked with bacon grease and coffee grounds and cat litter right away. I do
this and I remember that I am embarrassed that I have a cat, but actually like
the cat.
Then the next day I drive to the bank with my other endorsed
checks that didn't process and deposit them in person. Then they tell me to
have a nice day. Then I say thank you, I will, and today is already looking up because
I was able to deposit my checks that I endorsed yesterday at my apartment, and I
made those checks feel special by pointing a flashlight at them and photographing
them over and over again, and I think they liked it and possibly had something
to do with the deposit failure because they just wanted attention.
Then I think
about my failed relationships. But I’m happy the teller has them, my precious
checks that I loved so well and treated so good, and I hope he gives them the
star treatment like I did, but that in any event the funds do end up in my
account, since I incurred two bounce fees at midnight after the other two
checks didn't clear but had bills paid against them already. Then the teller gives
me one back and tells me it’s already been deposited and I realize I really
should start up that thing with the post-it notes, and also that the other
check is living with bacon grease et. al.
So yeah. I will have a nice day. The same to you, and thank
you.
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