3D TV

This is meant to be an instructive post. Imagine not that you are reading this but that it as shouted at you, as you sit bound to a chair, by a psychopath.

Ahem.

Why do you want a 3D TV? You saw the commercials, you saw the happy families in clean, large homes, sitting around together enjoying their 3D TV. The commercial made it look not awkward that an American family would all sit around with dark glasses on smiling in wonderment at a television set. 3D TV is just another disgusting goiter of prosperous America. America isn’t prosperous any more, not for shit and we all know it. But a 3D TV is a prosperous-person’s item, obviously. Could anything be more unnecessary? Is it even grammatically or syntactically correct to have degrees of that which is unnecessary? 

Where does the association of 3D and prosperity come from? Well, from the movies, of course. Back in the 20^th century, 3D was as cool as could be. Of course, that was decades before microwaves existed. Cassette tapes were cutting edge. It made sense that a simulated 3D image projected on a 2D screen was high tech and cool. As the years past the films and the technology improved. Now we can see gratuitous 3D moments in IMAX as we go deaf and assault tubs of popcorn.

What is it really that makes a 3D movie ‘better’. Nothing, of course. It is merely a matter of preference. It does not make you feel like your “actually there” because you know full well that you are in a movie theatre watching nine foot tall blue creatures on a far away planet. You can lose yourself just as much in 2D as 3D. When movies switched to high-definition digital projection, of course that was a big improvement. The picture is clearer and more lifelike. Simulating it in 3D is just an extra ohh-and-ahh factor. If you like 3D movies, fine. Titanic is coming out in 3D. I might pay fifteen bucks to see twenty-something Kate Winslett’s tits in 3D. Or maybe I’ll just stay home and J-off. Which reminds me to add that it is awkward and uncomfortable to try and make out during a 3D movie. 

So movies, I sort of get it. But TV? Why would you want 3D TV? What is it exactly that your high def 2D TV is lacking? Do you really want to have to sit directly in front of the screen with funny glasses on and have only limited 3D content to watch? What is wrong with you? The worst thing about 3D fans is they constantly have to point it out to you. DID YOU SEE THAT, that was coming right at me!? OH MY GOD that airplane looks incredible in 3D! Look! (Hey, thanks, yes I can see it, I’m here too, but great that you literally pointed it out. Am I supposed to just watch or is this a guided tour of your 3D geek-gasms?) It’s as if somehow the novelty of this 80 year old technology has not yet worn off.

Are you trying to impress your neighbors? Do you look forward to casually mentioning your 3D TV at the office? You’ll just sound stupid, and you know it. Do you think your kids will love you more if you buy a 3D TV? Well they might, they just might, you vapid piece of crap. If a 3D TV makes your kids love you more, well that means you suck.  If you want to buy your kids’ affection, just give them money.

 Will you feel better about yourself if you get a 3D TV? Will you feel more prosperous? Why? Now don’t tell me, let me guess. You haven’t even thought about it, not really. You just knew 3D was cool, and if you could have it in your home, you would be baddass. 


There is no conclusion to this posting.