The cameras roll from
minute one, and candidates don’t tend to be totally ready or vetted for that
kind of scrutiny from the get-go. Gaffes, contradictions, intra-campaign
squabbles, inter-campaign squabbles the likes of which would have made Reagan
chide all involved for violating his “11th commandment”: “Thou shalt
not speak ill of another Republican”. Little know fact: the actual author of
the 11th Commandment was California State Republican Party
chairman Gaylord B. Parkinson. Gaylord. Parkinson. Well no wonder it’s now
commonly attributed to R.R., the man whose stock continues to rise as the years
pass, especially since dying. Republicans, and at times Democrats and Libertarians
are all out to compare themselves to Reagan. Reagan said this, Reagan always did that, don't you think Reagan would do such-and-so. He's practically a Christ-like figure to some. And hey, there's another guy who is looking GOOD to a lot of folks with the benefit of time. Imagine Reagan in the year 4,000, that dude will have temples.
But this was not an “excuse ME, Senator, I beg your pardon”
kind of Primary season. It was a “this guy fucked everyone but his wives” and “That
guy’s grandpa had 11 wives” kind of Primary season. The Republicans are a
little bloodier than usual, but also a bit more battle-tested. When Barack won
the W.H. in ’08, he talked until he was blue in the face (this is not racial,
yo) about “restoring civility to Washington”. So he kept a bit too quiet early
on, and Republicans were happy to let the Tea Party paint Hitler moustaches on
Obama caricatures while saying they thought it was deplorable.
And now here we are, the final battle just ahead. The lines
are drawn, the troops deployed. Guns pointed. And the ammunition: data. Well
sort of.
Recent jobs report looks GOOD Obama is a lock!
More recent durable goods report lackluster, Mitt is looking better!
Spain bailout deal reached, stocks soar!
Spain bailout seen as too flimsy, stocks slide.
Republicans and Democrats hurl data at each other that they
deem favorable to themselves and unfavorable to the other. The good part is
that “data” in this case means something like “what we want the truth to be” or
“whatever assholes will believe”. Their
data bears as much resemblance to reality as Chicken McNuggets bear to chicken.
And Americans eat a shit ton of McNuggets. Prefer them in fact. The formed
data-bits hurled by right and left don’t mean much – but in the end will be
sufficient to win an election for President of the United States.
Celebrity Chef Jamie Oliver recently visited the most obese
county in the U.S. in an attempt to make a lot of money. His attempt was, no
doubt, successful. According to the reality show that filmed his several-month
stay, the purpose of the visit was also to attempt to change the eating lifestyle of
the natives. This took place in rural West Virginia, certainly the only place in America that could accept culinary advice from the British. His poor dentistry no doubt put him at ease with the locals. He re-vamped school lunches - even cooking them himself in huge quantities, traveled around cooking healthy shit
for people, and had close-up filmed, tear-streaked conversations with mothers who went through 3
2-litre bottles of Mountain Dew everyday and whose kids helped themselves to the same. Celebrity chefs are, in the main, huge douche bags. It so happens that Anthony Bourdain is not subject to this generalization as he is a self-described cook, rather than a chef. Big difference.
However, Oliver conducted a revealing experiment vis-à-vis chicken
nuggets. He rounded up a group of school age kids who eat McNuggets all the
time in school lunches. On the counter in front of him he had one beautifully
cooked roasting chicken on a cutting board. He also had a food processor, a large bowl of raw chicken
parts, and different beakers of additives and so forth. You can see where this
is going. He then showed the kids how McNuggets were made. He piled all of the
slop into the food processor and set it going It was loud as shit and the thing
shook trying to grind up the pretty substantial bones. He added the goop from
the beakers, one glop at a time and came out with a pink paste. He balled it up
and rolled it in some bread crumbs and threw it on a griddle. Having conducted
this same experiment all over the world (motherfucker is a ‘celebrity’, after
all) he triumphantly asked the kids who wanted the real chicken and who wanted
the brand new nugget. Contradicting the results of every other occasion this graphic demonstration was performed, every single kid picked the nugget. Little
fuckers SAW how it was made, and picked it anyway.
Welcome to the American Electorate. Or as politicians call
it “The American People”. I wish I had a font to write those three words in a
declaration-of-independence type script. That is how sanctimoniously
politicians use them. “The American
People … will not stand for [whatever the fuck comes next]” Or a real favorite
of mine, flattery will get you everywhere: “I don’t think The American People
are dumb enough to accept that [whatever the fuck you wanna say]”. That’s
right! Thank you! We ARE smart! Pass the fucking nuggets. Real chicken is so …
complicated. McNuggets are so … easy. And, there’s sauce!
Momentum is gained and lost each time some news item comes
out that can be more easily formed into ammo for one side or the other. Often
the very same data is used by both sides, each touting the advantage in the
recent [jobs report, consumer confidence index, new unemployment claims] data.
Even a lack of saying anything at all is data, like the
anti-matter version of data. Obama comes out with some new positions on
Immigration. Mitt is caught off-guard so his people say “Governor Romney has
not fully formed his opinion on that issue”. Translation “The McNuggets are
still in the fryer, hold on. Would you like some extra honey-mustard sauce?” Oh
boy, would I! Free sauce! Corporations love me today!
Generally, big hunks of data arrive on the frozen truck
around the first of the month. This is when new job creation data comes out,
when new jobless numbers come out, and other reports tend to be quarterly such
as durable goods, consumer confidence and some others. This is when the McNugget
war is at its peak. New jobs up, Obama on the attack. Unemployment claims up,
and where was that motherfucker born again?
Look, these people work for us. Yup. It sounds complicated,
like real chicken, and it is. But our preference for McNuggets is just a recent
development. We mistook easy for … well for nothing. We just wanted easy, so we
took it. Politicians easily read us, they feed us salt and fat in a sugary
sauce and we say yum. When we attack other countries and start various military
bru-ha-has, people often say “Freedom ain’t Free, baby!” Which is true. But is
also one hell of a good battle-cry for getting your ass in the voting booth.
Reading a goddamned newspaper. Figuring out that CNN, at the end of the day, is
just trying to sell commercials. They aren’t there for The American People. That’s
what the Government is supposed to be for. If you are an idiot consumer, like
nearly all of us, you are going to get screwed every single time. There are
millions of Americans who will spend many hours on the internet educating
themselves about a car or computer purchase who will not read one single word
about politics that is meaningful or useful in any way. They will have a sense
of accomplishment when they combine a manufacturers’ coupon with an in-store
sale and get a sweet deal on a new laptop. And then they will head straight to
McDonalds.
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